


Ring Around the Rosie

by ArgentSleeper



Series: Ring Around the Rosie [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 12:49:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11898090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentSleeper/pseuds/ArgentSleeper
Summary: Recovery (noun): the action or process of regaining control of something stolen or lost.





	Ring Around the Rosie

**Author's Note:**

> Please see profile for notes

 

 

Arthur was going absolutely fucking insane.

It had been six hours, _six grueling hours_ , since Merlin had been taken back to the operating theatre. Six hours of pacing the waiting room. Six hours of begging the nurses to tell him something, _anything_. Six hours for his mind to churn through every heartbreaking possibility.

Gwen had been there for all six hours too, but Arthur had resolutely ignored her. She had kept this from him. Yes, she was also the one who had given in and told him, but she had known the whole time before now and hadn't deemed it necessary to inform him. It should have been him taking care of Merlin, not her. It made him sick to think about all the times Merlin must have needed him, and he wasn't there because he was too busy being- but he was here now. That was the important thing.

Where he would be after today… well, one step at a time.

“Family of Mr Emrys?”

Arthur bolted out of his chair. “Is he okay? Is he awake? Can I see him? What happened?”

The nurse smiled tiredly at him, not deterred at all by his rabid questioning. “He made it through just fine. Are you family?”

“I'm his f- Arthur Pendragon. I have disclosure consent, it should be in your files.” Unless Merlin cut him off there as well. But he hadn't removed Arthur as an alternate contact so he prayed not. “Can I see him?”

The nurse checked something in her thick file, then nodded up at him. “Of course, sir. Follow me.”

She led him to the ICU, to a much different room than the one Merlin had been in this morning. “Mr Emrys woke up briefly in recovery, but it’s not uncommon for him to sleep a majority of the time for the next few days. The doctor will be in soon to discuss the procedure with you.”

There was a chair in the corner, but Arthur couldn't bring himself to sit. Merlin looked so fragile, lying asleep in his bed. They hadn’t shaved his entire head, as Arthur had half expected. He still had the majority of his dark flyaway curls, with the exception of a large swatch on the back of his neck. Arthur could see the edges of white bandages peeking out where his head rested on the pillow. His fingers twitched with the need to reach out and touch it, but he didn’t dare. Instead he smoothed the rough hospital covers and adjusted the cannula to fit more snugly in Merlin’s nose. Merlin let out a soft moan at the touch, but otherwise didn’t stir.

“Mr Pendragon?”

Arthur backed away quickly from the bed. “Yes?”

An older man in a white coat entered the room. “I’m Dr Gaius, Merlin’s physician. He weathered the procedure well, and we were able to remove far more of the tumour than I had expected. However, a considerable was still left behind. With radiation treatment we are hopeful to at the very least stop the growth of the cells. If that is the case Merlin could find himself living a long, productive life.”

“And if that’s not the case?” Arthur didn’t know when he’d gotten hold of Merlin’s hand, but as he spoke he gripped it tighter.

“I don’t mean to give you false hope, my boy. There is a chance that radiation will not shrink the growth, nor stem the formation of more cancerous cells. But it is better for Merlin’s recovery if both you and he maintain a positive outlook. Keep his stress levels as low as you can. Help him to look forward to the future.”

Arthur snorted. “No offense, _doctor_ , but that sounds like a load of bollocks. You’re trying to tell me that if Merlin dies, it’s his own fault because he didn’t _try hard enough_ to turn that frown upside down?”

“Of course not,” Gaius sighed. “Studies have shown positive attitudes can do wonders for pain management and recovery rates, but even the happiest patients can ultimately lose their battles. I merely mean to say it won’t do either of you any good to focus solely on the worst case scenario.”

Arthur could think of a few more arguments he wanted to throw out, but he could tell this wasn’t a battle worth fighting right now. Instead he nodded tersely. “When can he go home?”

Gaius took him through the recovery period over the next few weeks, the evaluations with physical and speech therapists to ensure nothing had been damaged, the regimen of pills Merlin would be put on once he left the hospital. “Now obviously he doesn’t need actual eyes on him 24/7, but he shouldn’t be left alone for the next few weeks. Merlin said he had arranged for someone to stay with him. Would that be you?”

“Our friend, Gwen,” Arthur answered flatly. “She’s a nurse. She’ll be taking care of him.”

“Ah yes, I remember hearing that Mrs Du Lac was taking a bit of leave. Well, I can feel comfortable knowing he will be in her skilled hands.” He made to leave the room, then turned back at the door, giving Arthur a strange look. “I meant what I was trying to say before. Merlin will need the support of his loved ones to get through this. All of them.”

Arthur gave it another half hour, but when Merlin showed no signs of waking he went back out to the waiting room. Gwen was still there, Lance sitting beside her and whispering soothing things into her ear. She leapt out of the chair when Arthur entered. “Is he okay? Can we go see him?”

“He’s asleep and it’s family only right now,” he responded stiffly. “We need to talk.”

Gwen bit her lip nervously and clung to Lance’s hand. “You should talk to Merlin about this.”

“Yes I should, but he can't exactly talk right now and he may never be able to talk again and if I don't talk to someone I'll rip my hair out so _talk_.”

She sighed, eyes casting down to the floor. “He only found out a little while ago, just before… you know. The doctor told him his chances were slim, and well, he said he didn't want to put you through all this, or any of us. He didn't want to hurt anyone.”

“Yes, because I'm not hurt at all,” Arthur deadpanned. Gwen winced, but couldn't contradict it. “Why did he tell you then?”

“He didn't, not exactly. It was an accident; I was filling in for his nurse, and he had an appointment. He tried to send me away, but I couldn't just abandon him. He was all alone. Even then the only reason he let me help was because Gaius said he wouldn’t be released from the hospital unless he had someone to sign him out.”

“You should have told me. The second you found out you should have told me.”

“I know. He asked me not to, but I should have.”

“Why now?”

“Because he's _alone_ , Arthur,” Gwen finally managed to meet his eyes, her gaze pleading with him to understand. “He's alone and scared and I can't help him. He needs you. He misses you.”

Arthur did his best to ignore that last part. Instead he turned to Lance. “Did you know?”

“I swear, Arthur, I didn’t.” Arthur believed him. He’d still looked shell-shocked when he arrived at the hospital a few hours ago.

“But you would have known eventually wouldn’t you?” Arthur turned his accusing glare back to Gwen. “Merlin can’t be left alone, which would mean you’d have to take him home. Was everyone going to know in the end but me?”

“I’m sorry,” Gwen sniffed, just barely holding back a sob. “I’m truly, truly sorry, Arthur. If I could go back I would have told you all.”

“I wish you had,” Lance murmured, stroking her hair. “I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you, carrying this burden alone all this time.”

Well if that wasn’t an underhanded jab, Arthur didn’t know what was. And it probably wasn’t fair to take his frustration out on Gwen, or Merlin’s doctor, but the real target of his anger was asleep in a bed in the ICU, far away from any wrath that might be due his way.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was nearing supper by the time Merlin finally awoke.

“It’s about time, van Winkle.”

“Arthur? What are you doing here?” Merlin slurred, rubbing at his eyes as if that would help him fight off the drugs managing his pain.

“Oh well, you know. I heard this bloke was getting his brains scooped out today. It was news to me since I didn't even know the idiot had brains, but there you have it. So I thought I'd pop on down and see how he was doing. What about you?”

Merlin blanched, wakening more fully and doing his best to get his limbs to scoot him across the bed. Of course they didn't obey him. “You- you shouldn't be here. I don't _want_ you here.”

The words stung Arthur's bruised heart, but he refused to leave now. He had too much to say, too much to ask. In the end it all boiled down to one thing: “Why?”

Merlin flushed. Arthur could see the panic in his eyes he could no longer hide. “Because- because I don't love you! I never did. My new boyfriend is on his way here right now, he's probably been out in the waiting room all this time.”

How had Arthur not been able to spot the lie before? It was so obvious now in the way Merlin glanced frantically around the room as if he could pull a fake paramour out of thin air. He huddled in on himself, keeping his body as far away from Arthur as he could get. Arthur wasn't about to let him get away with it. “The only people in the waiting room were me and Gwen. And Lance towards the end because I made her call him after she broke down over a cup of truly awful tea.”

“Lance?” Merlin squeaked.

“Yes. See, that's happens when people have to go through hardships alone. They go mad and need someone to support them. Or perhaps they were already mad for not having someone there in the first place.”

“Arthur-”

“I mean _what the hell_ , Merlin?” Arthur slammed his fist unsatisfactorily against the mattress. “We were _engaged_. Did you think I wouldn't _care_?”

“Of course not! I-”

“In sickness and in health. Was I going to be the only one who meant that? If it was me who was lying there right now, would you have left me?”

“No.” Merlin whispered. When Arthur didn't interrupt him he continued. “I didn't want to put you through this. I knew you would never leave me if you knew that I… I thought if you were mad at me you would get over it easier when I died.”

Despite hearing it earlier from Gwen, Arthur couldn't help flinching at the words. He closed his eyes in an attempt to gather himself again. “Merlin… Even if I were angry enough that I killed you myself, my heart would stop beating the second yours did. If you die, I will never ‘get over it’. Ever.”

“Don't tell me that!” Merlin sobbed. “I can't- I need you to be okay. I can't leave without knowing you'll be okay.”

“That's not much of a motivation for me to change my mind.”

“What now?” Merlin whispered.

“I don’t know. I don't know what to do, Merlin. I’ve spent ten hours pacing this hospital and asking myself what the hell I’m supposed to do now, and ten hours later I'm still not sure there is an answer. I'm angry with you, Merlin. I'm fucking furious and not quite sure if I even hate you, but that just makes it worse. If this were any other situation I might break up with you for good and never look back. But I can't do that, can I? What kind of bastard would that make me if I abandoned a guy with cancer?”

“Arth-”

“I know, Merlin. I know you thought you were helping me, and you're just so damn self-sacrificing that I'm not even allowed to get mad at you for it. But I am, Merlin. I'm just- it isn't fair. None of this is fair.”

“I'm sorry.”

“But you know what the worst part about all of this is, Merlin? It's not the lying. It's not that I might only have a few months left with you, and you just took three weeks of that time away from me. It's that if I hadn't found out, if Gwen hadn't told me, then I never would have had the chance to say goodbye.”

Arthur scrubbed at the tears that had flowed unchecked down his cheeks. He'd appreciated the blurriness it contributed to his vision while he'd been baring his soul; he wasn't sure he would have gotten through without it. But he had to see now, had to know that Merlin understood just how terribly he'd shattered Arthur's heart.

“I can't take it back,” Merlin whispered brokenly. “I don't know how to fix this.”

“I love you, Merlin. That hasn’t changed. But I don’t… I can’t be with you anymore.”

“Arthur.”

“Gwen and Lance should be back from getting food by now. I’ll talk to Dr Gaius about sending them in.”

_“Arthur... please.”_

“I’m not going to abandon you. Like I said, I don’t think I even can. I’ll help Gwen take care of you and I’ll make sure you get to your appointments and take your pills and whatever you need. But it won’t go beyond that. It can't.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Arthur kept his word. At the end of the week, he had Merlin moved from the hospital into the spare room in his flat. Gwen watched over him during the day, and when Arthur got home from work he relieved her. He brought Merlin dinner and his pills, and occasionally exchanged Merlin’s supply of books and movies for new ones. He even helped Merlin to the bathroom when necessary. Merlin’s balance wasn't the same anymore. He needed a cane to keep himself from falling, and without it he wobbled like a drunk man.

But mostly Merlin slept. Between recovering from the surgery, starting radiation, and a near constant stream of visits from therapists and friends, all of his energy was used up during the day. Everyone knew now. Even Merlin's mother, who was planning a visit on the coming weekend.

Arthur was grateful for the extended slumber. After Merlin spent the next few visits trying to apologise, Arthur stopped speaking to him altogether, conducting his nursemaid duties in silence until Merlin got the hint. He was even more grateful that Morgana got the hint as well. She never brought up the awkward situation they were now in. It didn't stop her from giving him pitying looks every now and then. But the sharp edge of her tongue stayed blissfully sheathed.

To his surprise, so did Hunith’s. She had already arrived by the time Arthur got home from work, so perhaps fireworks had flown earlier in the day, but he doubted it. She took over the caretaking duties for the night, helping her son eat and bathe (the one task Arthur refused to assist with). When Merlin fell asleep, she stayed with him after, sitting on the edge of the bed and holding his hand tightly.

Arthur popped his head in around ten. “I've changed the sheets and everything on my bed for you. I'll be asleep on the couch pretty soon here, but don't worry about waking me up. I'm nearly as heavy a sleeper as that one there.”

Hunith’s lips quirked upwards and she sent a fond glance at her boy. “Thank you, Arthur. If you don't mind, I want to talk to you for a minute.” She bent down and kissed Merlin on the forehead, smoothing his messy black locks from his face, then followed Arthur into the kitchen. “Do you have any tea? I could do with a cuppa.”

Arthur put the kettle on to boil, handing Hunith a selection of bags and loose leaves. Once the water was ready she patted the seat next to her. “Sit with me.” She steeped the bag in her mug, watching the clear liquid turn steadily brown. “I want to thank you, for taking care of my son.”

Arthur stared down at his hands, a shameful blush spreading across his cheek. “It's been more Gwen than me, really. I just watch him at night. She's here all day.”

“But the nights are the hardest part.” Hunith sipped slowly at her drink. “Trust me, I know. I've been there before.”

“What happened? Last time?”

Hunith cocked her head to the side, eyes gaining the slight glaze of remembrance. “He was always a healthy boy. Active, smart. I never even knew something was wrong until he collapsed at school one day. Apparently before that he was getting headaches, but he never mentioned them. He didn't want me to worry.”

Arthur scowled. “Yes, that seems to be a theme with him.”

“Merlin has always been determined to protect others from himself. I would wake up in the morning only to find out from the smell in the bathroom that he'd been up vomiting all night. He never complained, always had a smile on his face. You'd never know from looking at him that he was going through anything at all.”

“Why weren't you mad him for lying about it? Why aren't you mad at him now?” Arthur didn't understand it. How could Hunith be treating the whole situation so calmly? Did this lunacy run in the family?

“I was mad. Not at him, but at myself. Because I thought I should have noticed anyway. He was my son, and I didn't even notice anything was wrong until it was too late.” Hunith swiped at a tear as it ran down her cheek. “It took me a long time to stop blaming myself for what happened. It wasn't neglect, or faulty genetics, or anything either of us did. Sometimes bad things just happen and the only choice you have is just trying to survive.”

Hunith laid a hand on his arm. “The very worst pain a mother can go through is to lose her child. When the doctors first told me the diagnosis I wanted to scream at the sky. I would have traded my life for his in a heartbeat. I still would. But we can't fix him. My baby is going to die, and there's nothing you or I can do about it.”

She didn't cry, and Arthur was glad because if she had broken down there would have been no force on earth that could have prevented him from following. As it was he was glad she didn't seem to expect him to speak yet. His voice had left him long ago.

“The only relief Merlin thought he could give was shielding us from his suffering before he passed. He was wrong to do it, but I can't resent him for trying to protect me the way I wish I could do for him.”

Hunith eased herself to her feet, then leaned over and kissed Arthur on the forehead, the same way she had for her son. “He may not want to realise it, but he needs you, Arthur. And you need him. Cherise him, for how ever long you have left.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Hunith went home a few days later, with a promise to visit again soon. Despite their late night chat, Arthur couldn't bring himself to change his behaviour around Merlin just yet. If anything, it was more difficult, the guilt for his continued anger clashing inside of him. Merlin seemed to sense a change in him, growing more quiet and calling upon him less for help, saving any special requests for Gwen, who passed on the news of the day to Arthur in a more and more pointed manner as the tension in the flat grew.

Arthur knew he'd have to deal with it all eventually. Something had to give. He just wished he could put it all off a little while longer.

There was a loud crash and a yelp from the guest room. Arthur dropped his plate, ignoring the splat of reheated pasta on the floor, and sprinted through the door. Merlin lay sprawled on the floor between his bed and the en suite, clutching a hand to his head and moaning.

“What it is? Do you have a headache? I'm calling Dr Gaius.”

“No, Arthur, I'm fine.” Merlin squinted at him between fingers with a wince that was far from fine. “You don't need to call anyone.”

“What happened?” he asked again, wrapping an arm around Merlin's waist to haul him to his feet. Merlin stumbled a bit and leaned heavily on him as they made their way across the room.

“I was just going back to bed from the loo, and I tripped on the rug. Look I'm fine, Arthur. Really. You can go back to whatever you were doing.”

Arthur set him down on the bed and helped him lay back against the pillows. “You hit your head barely a few weeks after having _brain surgery_. That's not fine, idiot.” He ran his fingers carefully over Merlin's scalp, searching for a bump. “Dr Gaius said you needed to be careful to avoid further trauma. What were you thinking trying to walk across the room by yourself?”

“I was thinking that I was tired of being treated like an invalid,” Merlin snapped. “I just wanted to take a piss without needing someone to hold my dick.”

Arthur found the knot and pressed gently, earning a hiss and a soft whine. “Now you're just being grouchy because you're in pain. I'll get one of your pills. It's almost time for your next dose anyway.”

The little orange bottles were lined up on the kitchen counter. Pills for nausea, pain, dizziness, preventing seizures, radiation treatment... Sometimes Arthur got nauseous simply from looking at them. Tonight he just went through the motions, portioning out from the appropriate bottles, pouring a glass of water. If he stopped to clean up the remnants of his failed attempt at dinner it was only because he hated leaving a mess. Nothing at all to do with stalling.

“Here.” He set the supplies on the bedside table. Apparently his detour had taken a moment longer than he'd thought. Merlin was almost asleep again already. “Sit up. You have to take these, or I _will_ call the doctor.”

Merlin grumbled under his breath, but obediently took the handful of medications and popped them in his mouth, gulping down the water clumsily. Arthur sighed and dabbed at Merlin's dripping chin with his sleeve. “Not an invalid, indeed. Idiot.”

Merlin reached up and caught his hand. “You haven't called me that for a long time,” he said softly.

“Merlin…” Arthur tried to pull away, but Merlin held tight.

“You should stay.” Merlin swallowed thickly, but his gaze didn't waver. “To observe me. I've had a head trauma, you know.”

“I…” _shouldn't_. It was on the tip of his tongue, screaming from the logical portion of his brain, but somehow he couldn't make it come out. “Okay.”

There wasn't a chair in Merlin's room. Arthur should have gone to fetch one. Instead he walked around and sat on the other side of the bed, propping himself up with his back against the headboard. He didn't get under the covers. Merlin didn't try to get any closer. But Arthur could still feel his body heat from across the mattress.

“Goodnight, Arthur.”

“... Goodnight, Merlin.”

It never took long for the drugs to knock Merlin out, and true to form he was softly snoring within a few minutes. He wouldn't stir now until morning. Arthur could have gotten up then with him none the wiser, but he didn't move. Instead he just watched the steady rise and fall of Merlin's chest. Every breath he took was a sign that he was still alive.

And every breath was one closer to his last.

Arthur didn't realise the tears were falling until he tasted the salt on his lips. He didn't move to wipe them away. Instead he let them run freely. There was no one to see now. No one to judge him or tell him what he must or must not do.

He reached out and ran his fingers through Merlin's hair again. It had been so long since his touch was more than clinical. It wouldn't do to lead Merlin on. He was still angry after all. Angry like the scar on the back of Merlin's head. Dr Gaius promised the hair would grow back in that area one day, but until then it was only too easy to see the knotted skin and stark black stitching. There was no telling if Merlin would even live long enough for the hair growth to cover it again.  
That thought made Arthur angrier still, and it had to be anger, because it couldn't be…

“You scared me. Tonight. When you fell,” Arthur whispered into the dark room. “I thought- I didn't know what happened, and for a second I thought… that this was it. And then I wasn't- not anymore. I was just… _terrified_.”

With that admission it was like the floodgates opened, and every feeling he'd had since the moment he learned Merlin's prognosis came crashing down on him. “I'm terrified that you're going to leave me all alone here, Merlin. I'm terrified that I'm going to lose you forever.” He tightened his grip on Merlin's hair, choking on a sob. “I'm terrified I already have.”

Merlin made a soft sound and rolled over onto his side, facing Arthur. Quickly Arthur withdrew his hand, but Merlin slept on, oblivious.

“I see now what you were trying to do. I thought it would be easier too, to be mad at you. I didn't even realise that was what I was doing, and I… Things will never be the same, will they? We only have a few months left, and it's not enough time to… It's not enough time, Merlin. I'm not ready.”

 

  
When Arthur awoke the next morning, it was to the feeling of someone stroking a thumb across his hand. He opened his eyes to see Merlin's face next to his, a soft smile on his lips. It quickly disappeared, however, and he pulled his hand away.

“Sorry.”

Arthur reached out and took his hand again. “Don't be. Not anymore. Just please don't send me away again.”

“I won't. I promise.”

“And I promise I'll always be here for you. Until the very end.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**_Six months later..._ **

 

“-I told you, Hunith, don't worry about the cost. You don't ever have to pay me back, not for this. It's the least I can do. Now go get ready. Morgana will be there soon to pick you up. I'll meet you there.”

Arthur pocketed his phone, smoothing out the crease in his black trousers. That had been his third phone call with Hunith today, but he wasn't surprised. It had been a difficult week for all of them.

He stepped up to the counter. “Hello, I need a bouquet of long stemmed roses. With a grey ribbon if you could.”

“Of course, sir.” The florist stepped into the back to prepare his order.

Arthur took a moment to look around the shop. He'd brought Merlin a different flower every day during radiation. Then during chemo he'd been too sick and his immune system too compromised to handle them, so Arthur had taken pictures instead. Merlin called them the bright spot of his day. He'd said Arthur himself was even brighter.

“Here you are, sir.” The florist handed over the roses and took his money in exchange. “Any special occasion?”

“My boyfriend, he had cancer. A brain tumour.”

“Oh. I'm so sorry for your loss.”

But Arthur smiled. “We found out he was in remission this morning. The doctor says he'll be okay, at least for the foreseeable future.”

“Oh!” The florist beamed back, caught up in Arthur's happiness. “So these are happy flowers!”

“We're going out to dinner tonight, his family and mine.” Arthur reached in his pocket to feel the ring box against his thigh. “We have a lot to celebrate.”


End file.
